How do I even begin? It’s been a year since I last updated my blog and so much has happened in between. I’ve been silent for the most part because 2019 has dealt heavily with me and I didn’t want to give place nor time to share about it on the internet because one, people start talking, and two, I didn’t have the energy to explain to anyone who asked that time.
I suffered from depression, anxiety, and constant heartache last year that it’s been a miracle how I survived all of it. My negative thoughts, busyness at work, and roller coaster relationship took a toll on me and was evidenced by severe skin issues especially on my face. My self-esteem hit the lowest of lows, and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror without breaking down. Although I was battling emotional turmoil, I never gave it a chance to show in the way I carried myself. I still ate lunch with colleagues, I still went window shopping in malls, and I kept making so many art projects both small and big. I kept myself all the more busy just to keep my mind off of things that were breaking me. Have you had that kind of numbness in you when life has thrown you so many curved balls that you actually become hard as stone inside? Yup, I felt that big time.
December 2019 was the turning point that made me decide to just stop. After being so emotionally and physically available to anyone who needed me, I realized I needed to shut down and rest. I’ve come to conclude that even the people you love will never give you the support you need when you need it most, and the only person who can give that to you is yourself. I withdrew from friends and family, and found solace in making music and art. Crying definitely helped. There were nights that I would just sit in my bed and then the tears would fall. I welcomed it, reveled in it even, because it was in crying that I felt relief. It’s amazing how far my decisiveness went when it came to my own mental and emotional health. It was like a snap – like a button was pushed inside my head and the wheels just started turning. Fast forward to early 2020, I felt all sorts of emotions vying for a place inside my heart. Anger, resentment, loneliness, guilt, doubt – all of these things plagued me to the point that I questioned my own capacity to decide. It took many nights of praying and asking God if my decision was right, and then resolution finally hit me. I somehow knew that I made the right choice because I felt a sense of calm and peace. I kept a rather low profile on social media because I didn’t want anyone to pester me about what happened. If they did ask, that was the only time I answered. After all, you can never underestimate the keen observation of most people. I didn’t care about what anyone said about me anymore because I knew what I did, I decided on it, and I acted on it.
When COVID 19 exploded last March 2020 here in the country, everyone was trapped and restricted in their own homes. Anxiety was certainly a friend to majority of us. Cases were rising at a fast pace, businesses were declaring bankruptcy, and death tolls worldwide kept increasing too. For me though, I welcomed the unwanted change as sort of a reset. My employer gave us the privilege to work from home for the first few months of quarantine, and it certainly gave me a renewed sense of awareness for my physical, emotional, and spiritual well-being. I started doing disciplined workouts, returned to having my daily devotional with God, and spent much of my time with family. As cliche as it sounded, COVID 19 was a blessing in disguise for me. Although I was not able to go out of the country this year ( which has been a tradition for me ever since I started working), I was happy nonetheless to just be with my loved ones.
Now that we’re almost coming to full circle for 2020, I think I made it out calloused but stronger. I know myself better now. I’ve experienced defeats and victories, and I’ve come to appreciate both in a fresher perspective. I’ve also come to terms with myself when I reflected on my actions and words. I knew there were things I said or did that I could never take back, and that they will haunt me for the rest of my life. I guess all we can ever do is acknowledge the past, learn from the present, and hope for the future. I hope that, wherever you are, Life is treating you kindly. And if not, I pray that you will muster the courage to face it head on. All of us experience the same amount of joy and pain, so you will know that you are not alone, and that someone somewhere is always rooting for you. Take heart.
This has been such a lengthy post. I hope I didn’t bore you with it.
Take good care of yourselves, everyone. Please always wash your hands, practice social distancing, and wear your masks.
I love you all,